I swear it’s some sort of energetic conspiracy. First H—– got into my chair and then wouldn’t leave until I nagged him about it and now this I can’t even.

My fingers are itching to use my phone. I have no idea what’s going on in the world other than the fact that my dog won’t stop barking and the Emoji Movie is terrible. I seem to remember an anecdote about Sue Monk Kidd and how once she was in her office with the door closed, that meant she was UNAVAILABLE and was not to be disturbed because she was working and shit.

Why. Why is this happening right now? LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M WORKING, YOU FUCKERS. Also maybe D—- could get his lazy ass up and deal with his cousin himself as I AM FUCKING WORKING RIGHT NOW JESUS.

To be fair, I didn’t tell S– that I was working right now. I suppose I could have bent the truth to save myself this trouble. He had asked whether anyone was AT WORK and since TECHNICALLY SPEAKING no one is, I had to go and tell him oh no we’re home. Because I’m an idiot. Why couldn’t I just tell a little white lie? The only harm that could have come from it I suppose would be if he came over anyway and then found that we were home.

It’s possible that I might need some coffee.

Thorn did say that a morning beverage was not out of the question so yay I guess. Back in five.

Aaaand the tea kettle is broken too. Yay. I can’t do Bulletproof Keto without my coffee GOD DAMMIT. D—-‘s all you could just have an energy drink but you know, carbs and no fat.

This is unacceptable.

These are the last couple of days before my 40th birthday. It feels like everything is a motherfucking struggle. I’ve been working my ass off trying to plan out the rest of the year so it isn’t a total fucking wash, but you know, it’s hard. And the guilt of falling short gets me down as well, making it harder to keep trying.

I’m not suicidal though. Not anymore-ish. Even at my most depressed I didn’t want to actually kill myself so much as I wanted to die, which is different, but still unacceptable. Leave everything up to D—- and his parents? I don’t fucking think so. I’m not just holding on for H—–‘s sake, though. There is too much out there causing me pain that I don’t want to give the satisfaction of winning. Fuck you, I will outlive it all.

Which of course reminds me of politics. Because everything eventually comes back to politics, even more than it comes back to religion. Today’s Republicans are proof of that. Their Christianity has nothing to do with the teachings of Christ and more to do with the writings of Ayn Rand. What a bunch of dishonest, hypocritical, greedy fucking tools.

Politics is how you believe others should be treated. Full stop. I wish I were famous just so that quote could live on in perpetuity, but nurses don’t usually become famous. I guess I’ll just have to keep writing as well and hope something catches fire.

The phrase sent a thrill through me when I first read it and still does. A—- wrote how Terrible Magic requires discipline. She has this in common with T—-, PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. So in the remainder of this year I hope to finish T—-‘s works and maybe K——-‘s Book of Silence as well. This will take some altering to my Dragontree Agenda, but nothing that a little wite-out can’t fix.

I’m still getting used to the idea of writing things down. I haven’t done some of the deeper Quarterly Planning since I started the project relatively late in the year, but when the 2018 edition comes out in September I plan to jump into it with full fervor.

And now Evernote itself is being a cunt. I think I have started to grind my teeth at this point. Come on, asshole. I don’t have THAT many websites open. Do I?

Maybe I need to do my morning pages in a fucking coffee shop or library because OH MY GOD CAN EVERYONE STOP REACTING SO STRONGLY AROUND HERE I CAN’T EVEN.

The gaming videos H—– watches makes me want to stick pencils in my eardrums.  I hate that he watches so much YouTube crap and that I’m the only one around here who bothers to limit his time on it.

I guess you could say I’m feeling pretty angry already and I didn’t even need to read Facebook yet. This might be a problem.

Summer is indisputably my least favorite season, and it’s not just because of the heat.

It’s THEM.

Because of the nature of D—-‘s work he is home ALL SUMMER LONG and while I love him, it drives me bonkers. His criticisms and dramatic reactions to things are exhausting. And then there’s H—– who will literally talk your ear off if you let him. I can handle one of them at a time. But both of them is asking for more spoons than I have to spare.

One solution may be to leave the house for long-ish periods of time, but D—- doesn’t like to tank H—– too often and M—— is still out of town and I can’t always dump him on his grandparents (nor do I want to). I could put headphones on but it’s like they both have some sort of beacon that tells them I’m listening to music so now is a good time to ask me something important.

How about

I was spending some time looking for a Eli Roth gif with him smashing a TV but I guess I can just fix it in post ha ha ha. Or I could settle for the Beastie Boys because 1)time-waster and 2) still Jewish, so, win-win? #lazy #ADHD #whatever

Back to my birthday. Do I have a cake? I’m not even sure. I know I talked about a mille-feuille cake that costs EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS but you only turn 40 once, amirite?

I’m going to call it. Close enough to 3 pages.